Tonight, my coworker and I were talking about my past relationship. We both came to the conclusion that maybe I was just to strong of a personality for him...I mean, I've thought about this previously, and this is how it is; Ex and I were together for 5 years, and at the beginning the kid had no self confidence. Just as I started to see his confidence rise from nothing, is when he cheated on me. and we broke up. a month after our 5 year anniversary. It seems to me that over the years of me building his confidence up, he finally got to a point of self confidence he was comfortable with, and decided, "Hmmm...I don't need her for that boost anymore. I'll go smash 16 year olds who don't know any better." Thats my theory.
Well, leading away from that, and back to Ms. Maryann and I; what if her theory is also true? what if I am just a really strong personality for guys? She said "You need someone who's at your level. or better yet even, someone who has a bit of a stronger one. the YOU in all your previous relationships." But there is only one me... What if I don't ever find a guy who has the well rounded, strong personality I've developed with all the growing up I have had to do in my years. I'm so scared, and have been for awhile now. I don't want to be 30 years old, stressing out over finding the perfect guy; I want the imperfect guy, and we can become perfect for each other. I'm a lot to handle, I'll admit. I would probably not be able to handle me if I was a guy; but I'd still try. Once I personally feel comfortable, I don't want to lose them, I try and sever all my relationships, but I'm only one girl. One mind, one heart. I don't know what to do anymore. :( I just really miss companionship, and the small possibility that I'll never have that again honestly, brings tears to my eyes and scares me more than anything. Siiiggghhhh.
I bring this on myself.
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