DAM. All I did was Try,

Remember when we first met? You were at the Twins game with Nick. Remember when you first made me cry? When you broke Nick and I up. Remember when we were really close? Mr. Kranz class… Then New Years 2009 happened: “David come talk in the bathroom with me?” “No. I don’t want to hear what you have to say…” “David! Please, just let me talk to you.” “No. I don’t care. I’m leaving.” Remember when we were friends? I do. It’s like I basically ruined it for us. Although you probably didn’t help. See I always felt as if we were comfortable with each other Dave. Always on humor level, like haha, lets constantly try and be funny. You seemed to always notice the good things in me, and you would openly judge me. You’d argue with me, but you never seemed to talk shit behind my back. You had it played out like you weren’t gunna just hate on me when I wasn’t around, even though you wouldn’t defend me after awhile. I remember you telling me “I get a lot of shit for being friends with you.” I should have been done with the friendship then; I realized that when you first said it, but I was so amazed by your calm composure at the time, because that’s what I honestly needed in my life after Christian and I broke up. You displayed personal characteristics I wanted to have; and I had your recreational activity of choice almost always available. I want to believe that you never used me; but I know you did. Our situation would hopefully be different if you hadn’t used me. I get really depressed about it, because I was mesmerized by you. And to think it all started when I just wanted a good best friend? I don’t care what you tell people, the first few weeks that we started hanging out again, you were leading me on completely; we talked like there was going to be something. And it wasn’t just me. You made a lot of comments as well sir. And actions seriously spoke louder than words with you. I’m really hurt that you were that embarrassed of me that you couldn’t even allow a thought of us being a couple to ever cross anyone’s minds. Sorry I’m so low on your standard list. I know that I probably pushed you away, with the dumb shit I did, and said…But you help start my behavior. Just saying. :) Two views; One, I really am hurt by you. You didn’t have to play me as a friend so hard. I told you over and over, I would rather be your friend than anything else, and you knew that. So since I admit to you that I’m attracted to you, you drop me as a friend? Fucking ridiculous. All I ever did was try and make your day better. I’d go out of my fucking way to make you smile, when I was at my lowest. When my emotions were set up on the table for your approval. I think it’s very childish of you to treat me the way you do now. You must have had some feelings for me, especially the way you acted towards me whenever I had a downfall. You were the only person to believe in me (Or claim you did) for going back to the U. And I appreciated you listening to all my family drama, and helping me through some of the toughest times in my life. If I didn’t have you David, after Christian and I broke up, I would have probably had an emotional breakdown. So thank you. Again. I cherish all the times that we had together, but I really do wish that you someday realize that all I wanted was to make a difference in your day. I wanted you to be happy, to have a girl in your life that didn’t upset you, didn’t treat you like shit. Someone you could consider a best friend. But obviously personality is below all other factors for you huh? I wish you would just crack, and show some emotion, and come to terms with how you’ve been hurt in the past. Quit trying to prove someone something. A relationship isn’t only about sex; even rock stars know that. Tool. It’s a plus if they have “cakes” but if a girl drops what she’s doing to bring you Cup a Soup and root beer when you’re sick; that’s a keeper. You’ve missed out David, and I’m really sad about it. Even if your hard headed ass reads this, you still probably won’t notice it. One day, you’ll see that I was only trying. Trying to make you happy. I didn’t mean to make you hate me. I hope you choose to talk to me someday… and maybe we can become friends again. Because I’m so hurt by you at this point, I’ll never want anything else from you again. Thanks again for the one of the funniest years of my life; even though I have a gut feeling you faked a lot of it. :( I still love you like a brother, DMoss. Please always remember that. <3 you. I’ll always be here for you.
PS:
- You made me really sad when you didn’t come to my birthday party, or Mat Kearny.
- I’m really sorry about doing stuff with your best friends; probably the worst way to get your attention. Right?
- I wish you would have talked to me one on one more, rather than talking shit about me to your sister, and everyone else. Our problems would have been solved, rather than blown up.

Suicide Note

What if I pulled out a notebook
Wrote down all my problems
Underlined all my sorrows
Explained how I felt
And worded it all
So you knew that my heart would always melt
When I was dealing with you

What if I pulled out some weapons
Wrote down all my confidence
Thanked all those for things I once borrowed
Rather it be tools, or their ears
And to the ones who helped me express my fears
Just so you know I chose to hold back my tears
When I was willing to just close

When I pulled the trigger
Wrote down all the problems; wrote down all the confidence
Underlined sorrow, thanked those who've borrowed
Worded, and made them listen by ear
All about dealing with you.
And how I was just willing to close our chapter
I've hit the threshold
I've just been in the way

The day I die;
There will be no shame
Because when you read my suicide note
You'll only have yourself to blame.

Cuban Style Black Beans

Jesse Diaz. You’re a real cool cat mr. diaz. I think you’re pretty swell, and your talk is sometimes cheap. I like a afro, and all your dirty pairs of sneaks. I’m trying to rhyme, just this one time. To prove that I’ma pro. Its taken me forever to assemble this blog, because it seems I don’t actually know you that well? We never went to school together; you never dated me, or a family member of mine..and I’m not black. So basically the only connection we have is catbus. Pretty funny. However, I feel like I know you pretty darn well. You’re a sensitive guy, and you like to make people laugh. You speak you’re opinion, sometimes ignored, you still voice it. You hate fedex, but you’re being smart and kinda working through that shitty job until you find a new one. At least you’re being mature.  You seem to genuinely care about others feelings, which is really sweet for a guy your age to do. I like that I feel like I can be myself around you; you’re not that judgmental, so I don’t get self conscious. I really appreciate that you ask about my guy problems, because the girls can only take so much of my bitching. And remember hun, you're a great guy. Don't let your first love get cha' down. If its meant to be, it will be. Go with your gut feeling; I'm pretty sure you still love her a bit, and thats okay. If something feels right, do it. If it doesnt work out, atleast you know you did what your heart wanted you to do. Sometimes we need our hearts broken to understand a better way to love. And last, but not least, I love that when you tweet, fb, or text me, 99% of the time you begin the text with “Kayla…” NO ONE EVER USES MY FIRST NAME! I really love it when people dooooo! So thank you nigger.
…Yeah, I went there. ;)
Cuban.

I would also like to mention that you probably make a difference in everyday that I talk to you; When I had my huge blow out with all my high school guy friends, I was really depressed about it, because lets me honest, I'm closer with guys than I am girls, and I open up a lot quicker.. (Not just my legs...ZING!) but anyways, haha, you're a guy I feel EXTREMELY comfortable with talking to about most things. Thanks you for opening up with me as well, and making yourself look just as vulnerable as I am when I talk about stressful/heartbreak/personal shit. Thats all I wanted to add. :D

phenethylamine;

“Empathy is the poor mans cocaine; and Love is just a chemical, by any other name.”

- Eyedea&Abilities ‘Burn Fetish”

Love is just a chemical. Nothing else. It is an addiction; a depressant, a stimulant, and its a bloodrush to the head. As much as it hurts so bad, emotionally, at times, we all take the risk of it turning into physical hurt; heart break: the same thing your everyone warned you about when you told them about your new “lover.”

I can honestly admit to the internet world, that I’m addicted to this rush; its like I constantly have a guy in mind for my flirting. I usually get hurt; not because I’m such a bad person, not because I’m going after people who are completely out of my league; I get to addicted to the high, and suddenly try and submerge myself into the chemical my body is creating, and rush things. Which leads to my failure.

I’ll find my guy who provides me with enough phenethylamine to get by. :)

AKA, hopefully the “perfect” guy on my mind. ;)

A Softer World;

asofterworld.com

Start Day

Today, 10/11/10, I'm starting my life changes plan; lose weight, get good grades, and be fiscally responsible.

I, by writing this blog, will be my contract to be happy.
I'm gunna work out everyday, do my homework on time, and attend class. As well as watch what I spend my money on. AKA fast food, and hopefully save up to sublease someone soon. :) And most likely by more clothes, that make me look nice. Plus, I'm going to try and find a new hobby to keep my busy. I'm excited, and hopefully I do well.

Sincerely,

Kayla

Never Had You

How can you explain;
All the emotion
And the heartbreak
The stories
The tales
And the sure fire plans
That seemed not to fail
The bragging
The description
The overall perception
The facial expressions
And the laughter shared
The tears that needed to fall
In order for me to stand tall
The hopes
The dreams
All the little things
That were set in position
But never set in stone
The positives, and the negatives
All of the things that I shared
But you were never really "there"
So where to begin telling our story?
When I miss you
Yet, I never really had you
How can I explain how I feel to you
When I never even had you

You Can't Fake October

You can’t fake baseball. You either can hit a fastball or you cant. Simply as that. Yeah, steroids might help, but whatever, lets forget those exist just for the essence of this post. Watch Fever Pitch, with Jimmy Fallon and Drew Berrymore. You’ll fall in love.
I love baseball/Softball. Completely in love. Whenever something was going bad, I could depend on the sport to be there for me. I, myself, am a softball player. I started in Tball, and to tell you the truth, I don’t think I’ve skipped a season since. So a good 17ish years under my belt, thank you. It was my life every spring and summer. I didn’t get to go to the beach everyday; I was getting down and dirty in the sand. My worst medical encounter came from Softball (Whats Up, popped Bursa? Blood Infection? Knee Surgery?) but I wouldn’t have wished any other surgery upon myself in any other way. I’m perfectly fine with my scar… that looks like a gunshot wound. The batting cages are my second home; the field is my cabin. I could take grounders all day long, and do throw downs until I can’t feel my shoulder anymore. Its an intense high I get from the sport. Its not the most “Physically” fit sport out there (Hense why I don’t enjoy soccer or hockey as much as I should after playing 14 years…) But your mind is always working. Constantly reminding itself about where to throw, where to position yourself, what the pitcher is going to throw next…You get tired, Man.
And now to talk about my baseball team love <3 Its October baby. The only other time baseball is at its best is April. My Minnesota Twins are in the playoffs this year, AGAIN, and I’ll be glued to my Twins appeal, TV, iPhone, Computer, you know everything. I’m a hardcore Twins fan, as well as the Boston Red Sox. Thus, I swear to the baseball gods, that the Yankees need to get wiped clean. The twins are the feel good, hometown team. How many times do you hear about them having trouble in the clubhouse? Or fighting with other teams? Never. Theyre the team you bring your infant to, or your 90 year old grandma for their first game. I have never not had fun at a Twins Game. I’m still a little jealous I havnt been to the new stadium. :(

I’ll be ending on this; Make the world a better place; punch a Yankees fan in the face.



Also, seriously, watch Fever Pitch. I want my Ben. <3

Truly a Humans Bestfriend

Meet Roxy; the newest addition to the Fearing family. :] She is an 8wk old long haired chihuahua.
My dog Lucy, died March 14th, 2010. I had her for like 16 years. She was truly one of the best friends I ever had, even though the last few years of her life I wasn't always with her. I was growing up; busy with work, school, friends, and boys. I still regret forgetting about her as much as I did. I'm excited for Roxy and Stephanie to bond the way any dog owner and dog bond. Stephanie is so excited and happy about her new friend, it makes me smile ear to ear. It was a natural friendship, as soon as Roxy got set in Stephs lap this afternoon. I'm excited to watch it grow... As well as one day I'll get my own dog again. I miss Onyx sooo much (Husky/German Shep mix I had with the ex bf, but I havnt seen Onyx since we broke up. :[ ) but I know that I'll find my new dog friend when the time is right.. (German Shep puppy FO' SHO!)
Again, welcome to the family, Roxy. Excited to take numerous photos of you.

Together, We Create Steam

"Water + Fire = Steam"

"Pisces and Aries are naturally attracted to each other. After a while, though, you’ll start to feel that your relationship doesn’t have as much going for it as you first thought. Both of you make a great first impression, and you both have strong sexual impulses. There may be something clandestine or mysterious about your relationship. The way you first meet, or perhaps the place where you cross each other’s path, will be unusual.
The positive for this combination is that Aries can learn a lot about compassion and selflessness from you. You’re interested in life’s mysteries, and you’ll share this with them. But water, which is Pisces, extinguishes fire, which is Aries. Your emotionalism will dampen Aries’ heated nature.
The reverse of your elements’ combination is that fire boils water and turns it into steam. This indicates that Aries can have an impact on you too, and change your personality.
Think carefully before you into a relationship with an Aries. Even though your ruling planets, Jupiter, Neptune and Mars, work together well, you two won’t always make an effective combination.
Aries has a tendency to plough through life like a ram. Thin-skinned Pisceans treat it differently. You’re far more considerate of other people’s feelings than they are. Aries will have to really get this difference, and make allowances for it.
Also, there are times when you simply want to do nothing. This will irritate Aries. Aries is go, go, go, and will push you to your limits. They will have to lose their irritable and impatient nature if they want to prove they can support you and let you be you.
You will love Aries unconditionally, because this is who you are, and you’ll be able to fulfil Aries’ ever-growing sexual appetite. They can reciprocate with that, but they mustn’t take you for granted.
You’ll probably have a very passionate roller-coaster ride with Aries born between 21March and 30 March. The full firepower of Mars is evident in these individuals, and it means lots of excitement.

... A word of warning, though: this sort of heat could affect you emotionally in ways you can’t handle."

Creativity Low

Please, just once...can I get a fucking straight answer/sign out of you. Thanks it'd be appreciated. I only have so much creative words, and ideas left to deal with this. And no one knows what to do once their creativity runs out. Especially when I don't know if I should be writing sad poems, happy poems, or any poem for that matter about you.
and now I can't sleep. HOMEWORK DAY TOMORROW! (aka procrastination and blogging).

Drama

Constantly
Its like a competition
You weren't even there
But you feel like you have a voice in it
Did you hear how I said it
Do you understand the situation
Did you even ask questions
Or did you just turn around and run
Your ugly little mouth
Trying to one up me
Or even all three of us
We start asking
Who do you trust
And what to expect
From the girls who try to hurry up
And change their dress
A compliment turns into a discussion
That turns into an argument
That’s turns into fighting
And all our hearts are hurting
Just take your time and let it be
Quick restarting something
That never had to be
Zip your lips, and shut your mouth
You know damn well what I'm talking about
The attention you're getting
Is all negative
Tearing the group apart
Like we were all just pieces of clip art

Dating is really fun.

So the guy I like was in town this weekend. I texted him, after not talking to him for a few weeks, and I invited him to a party, and he counter asked, inviting me to a party. I was flattered, but tried not to get my hopes up. Saturday night, when both parties were to be taking place, he texted me and invited me again. I received the address, left my friends party, like 40min after he texted me (I waited so I didn't seem TOO excited, or eager) and made my way towards the given address. after getting to the parties neighborhood, I could not find the house at all, so I replied to the questioned guy on where the house was to where I was... his response? "No Clue." So I tried to call him; no answer. So I waited like 10 min, and tried again; no answer. I gave up, and headed back to the first party, and on my way back I send him a text saying "Headed back. Couldn't find the place." Still no response, and it's been a good 26 hours. haha.

So now I sit here wondering; Did I get stood up? Or did I stand myself up.
Dating can seriously go (twitter fans) #gofuckitself

Carry Me Home

I believe in hopeful street art
And I believe in heroes
I want to make the world go around
With the help of other people
I'm a dreamer
That’s all
I can talk all day
And pretend all night
I want to kiss and makeup
With every boy that’s hurt me
I want to hug it out
With all I've turned down
Not because they weren't good enough for me
Simply because I'm selfish
Opinionated
And hard headed
I want what I want
And I like what I see
I just tell myself over and over again
"He's for sure the one for me"
Until I end up on the floor
And you carry me home
I believe in endless lines
And I believe in the bad guys
I want to cure cancer
While eliminating other disease
I'm a young lady
That's all
I can cry all day
Cake makeup on, and be out for the night
I want to dance with you one last time
Just to see if you're different
But you're probably not
I'm not judging
I just know the real you
Simply because I tried
Effortlessly
And full hearted
I try and I try
And I'll finally get upset and say good bye
"You do this to yourself"
Until I end up on the floor
And someone carries me home

Wait it Out

Move slow
Breath deep
Calming touches
And lighting torches
Don't speed up
Take ones time
If I fuck up
It'll all be on the line
Never waited this long
I never put in this kind of effort
But I want it all so bad
I wait and wait
Then I give in
Adrenaline rush back into my head
With every text you send
Rather it be a sentence or three
I always take the attention towards me
Sit down and relax
You're not even in town
No reason to get my hopes up
There's plenty of other girls there
But I don't want to give up because of that
I want to try harder
By not even trying
Breaking habits
And bending rules
Waiting and waiting
Just slightly attempting
But when you respond
It seems more should be done
Baby steps
One day at a time
If it all works out fine
If it doesn't I'll just have to say good-bye
And I'll have to reassess the time waited

I do this all to myself

Tonight, my coworker and I were talking about my past relationship. We both came to the conclusion that maybe I was just to strong of a personality for him...I mean, I've thought about this previously, and this is how it is; Ex and I were together for 5 years, and at the beginning the kid had no self confidence. Just as I started to see his confidence rise from nothing, is when he cheated on me. and we broke up. a month after our 5 year anniversary. It seems to me that over the years of me building his confidence up, he finally got to a point of self confidence he was comfortable with, and decided, "Hmmm...I don't need her for that boost anymore. I'll go smash 16 year olds who don't know any better." Thats my theory.
Well, leading away from that, and back to Ms. Maryann and I; what if her theory is also true? what if I am just a really strong personality for guys? She said "You need someone who's at your level. or better yet even, someone who has a bit of a stronger one. the YOU in all your previous relationships." But there is only one me... What if I don't ever find a guy who has the well rounded, strong personality I've developed with all the growing up I have had to do in my years. I'm so scared, and have been for awhile now. I don't want to be 30 years old, stressing out over finding the perfect guy; I want the imperfect guy, and we can become perfect for each other. I'm a lot to handle, I'll admit. I would probably not be able to handle me if I was a guy; but I'd still try. Once I personally feel comfortable, I don't want to lose them, I try and sever all my relationships, but I'm only one girl. One mind, one heart. I don't know what to do anymore. :( I just really miss companionship, and the small possibility that I'll never have that again honestly, brings tears to my eyes and scares me more than anything. Siiiggghhhh.
I bring this on myself.

She's the One

Hoodie and Some sweat pants
Yeah that’s when I look my best
Hair up, bangs down
I'll make you second guess
Is this the girl I really want?
Is she the one for me?
Is she the one that'll make me laugh
And make me want to scream?
She's fit
She's fun
And always brings me ice cream
She's a guys best friend
And a girls worst enemy
I know all the best things to say
When your xbox doesn’t work
I can't change your vehicles oil,
But I can get the repair shops number and dial
I'll be your best friend, and lover
All underneath one cover
I make meals, and deals
Plus have my own wheels
And your exes will never hurt me
I'm like the combo pack
You've always wanted
Even with some extra features
I don't get jealous
And I don't like to fight
Because relationships should have those rights
Do your thing, and I'll do mine
But please, at least come in at a reasonable time
Hold my hand
Introduce me to your band
I may not be perfect
But falling for me is worth it
I'm low maintence
But I' m educated on Cosmo
Give me a chance
And you'll want to continue our dance