I do this all to myself

Tonight, my coworker and I were talking about my past relationship. We both came to the conclusion that maybe I was just to strong of a personality for him...I mean, I've thought about this previously, and this is how it is; Ex and I were together for 5 years, and at the beginning the kid had no self confidence. Just as I started to see his confidence rise from nothing, is when he cheated on me. and we broke up. a month after our 5 year anniversary. It seems to me that over the years of me building his confidence up, he finally got to a point of self confidence he was comfortable with, and decided, "Hmmm...I don't need her for that boost anymore. I'll go smash 16 year olds who don't know any better." Thats my theory.
Well, leading away from that, and back to Ms. Maryann and I; what if her theory is also true? what if I am just a really strong personality for guys? She said "You need someone who's at your level. or better yet even, someone who has a bit of a stronger one. the YOU in all your previous relationships." But there is only one me... What if I don't ever find a guy who has the well rounded, strong personality I've developed with all the growing up I have had to do in my years. I'm so scared, and have been for awhile now. I don't want to be 30 years old, stressing out over finding the perfect guy; I want the imperfect guy, and we can become perfect for each other. I'm a lot to handle, I'll admit. I would probably not be able to handle me if I was a guy; but I'd still try. Once I personally feel comfortable, I don't want to lose them, I try and sever all my relationships, but I'm only one girl. One mind, one heart. I don't know what to do anymore. :( I just really miss companionship, and the small possibility that I'll never have that again honestly, brings tears to my eyes and scares me more than anything. Siiiggghhhh.
I bring this on myself.

Take me to the Rock Show

Chadwick marywheather. You are the jail time to my sentence. Haha. I'm really glad a relationship brought us together as friends, and I'm really happy that same relationship has kept us friends. That's written with true honesty. I once thought you were such a troublemaker, and wasn't as eager to hang out with you as I am now. I'm glad that's changed. Some of my best teen memories have been with you. You were always the boy I'd run too when I was sad, or needed advice, even when it was about hating your best friend. I have mad respect for every girl you've ever dated; I couldn't do it. You were way too wild for me, I went for the calmer friend. Haha. You would have been like bitter sweet; so fun and wild, but you would drive me crazier than your buddy drove me too currently. That doesn't say I wouldn't have if you woulda asked. Lol. Jk jk! You always were straight up, and truthful in your answers, and always seem to want the best for me. I appreciate that so much. No bullshit with you. You've made some decisions that I've wanted to kill you over, but you're developing into a great young man. :) I'm really proud of you, and that's a lot coming from me as you know. You're never judgmental, and you somehow always have made me feel "good enough." whatever that means. Fuck corporate America. I feel terrible for not coming and watching you play, but I'll be there soon enough. Your family is wonderful, and always there for me. I'm so upset that you're not able to be the fantastic father I know you could be, but bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks. I tried all my adolescent experimentation with you, and spent wayyyy to much money at BK. You're the real life example of a bad ass. You've dated some weird ass girls, but I'm happy with the idea that you've found the one. I feel like you've matured a lot with Smashley, and I'm excited to keep watching. My only wish is that you get in school, and teach some kids about life. School those rich kids on common sense, by using your fuck up stories. Haha. You've been a great sibling to the other kids by your ma', and I'm jealous I don't have such a great big brother. I'm writing this in front of you, and days like today, I've never had more fun. You make the simplest things fun. Always have. Like blowing up the mystery machine... Even though I was just "your bestfriends girlfriend" I've always considered you more than my boyfriends best friend. I've always thought of you as one of my best friends. :D I'm so excited for when I turn 21, so you can take me out to the bars. And continue teaching me the ways of alcohol. Get off probation so we can just got back to our woods ways. Love you Chad!

I wrote you a letter

"Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens; the main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away."

Dear Kayla,

You'll find the one. He'll be perfect, and it'll all work out. Quit rushing things, and just take relationships one day at a time. It's not worth being stressed. Yes, I understand you're desperate. I understand you feel left out because now that you're single, everyone else seems to not be. You'll get there dear, and you'll meet him; good guys come to those who wait.

Calm down. Do some homework, or clean. Be productive and a honorable member of society.. You boy crazy fuck.

Love,
Kayla